Deutsche Bank Opens Casino, Robbing The Onion of “Deutsche Bank Opens Casino” Story

Deutsche Bank has opened a Las Vegas casino, giving one Wall Street Journal reporter the chance to write the lede of a lifetime: “Wall Street is continually criticized for being one big casino. Deutsche Bank is now taking those words to heart.” Indeed, the venue, called the Cosmopolitan—and not, as we had hoped, der Spaßszuständigkeiten, which translates to “jurisdiction of fun”—will open on New Year’s Eve and have Coldplay and Jay-Z on hand to ring in 2011. The Journal reports: “Deutsche was originally just funding the project, pumping in a loan of $1 billion to build the soaring two-tower development. But its original developer, Ian Bruce Eichner, defaulted on Deutsche loans in 2008. Unable to find new partners or investors, Deutsche decided to take on the Cosmopolitan itself, putting in its own money to finish it.”

Earlier this year, Morgan Stanley funneled more than $1 billion into the construction of an ill-fated Atlantic City, New Jersey, casino before the bank resolved to sell its stake in the project. If the trend continues, and investment banks continue to build casinos, maybe we can except to see an exciting new crop of gambling games.

Perhaps the Cosmopolitan will feature …

  • Russian Roulette
  • Chinese Roulette
  • Saudi Arabian Roulette
  • Undisclosed Foreign Investor Roulette
  • Three Trillion Card Monty
  • Seven-Hooker Stud
  • Credit Default Slots
  • Shitty Deal, an updated version of craps
  • Mortgage, a new game that involves paying off a mortgage
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